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Hi. I am 22 years old, and i don't often find myself a target of bullying any more, but i am scarred very deeply by the cruelty and ostracism that followed me from grade school up until highschool. I think that even though it's all over, it still affects me today.

I'm almost completely alone, I don't trust anyone, and i can't seem to connect with anyone. I can't maintain any sort of interpersonal relationship, either. At times i just feel hateful and resentful of the world around me. I want to heal, but i don't even know where to start.

My life is a mess and i am a mess. I still cry. I am absolutely sure that the key to a better life is picking up the pieces of my shattered psyche. I just hope we can talk about recovery and self-discovery...and make progress.

peace,
ellen

Current Mood:
sad sad
Current Music:
system of a down
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On February 22nd, 2006 05:46 am (UTC), shywolf commented:
Hey, I just had to respond because, quite frankly, your situation eerily mirrors mine.

I'm almost completely alone, I don't trust anyone, and i can't seem to connect with anyone. I can't maintain any sort of interpersonal relationship, either. At times i just feel hateful and resentful of the world around me.

I'm 20, I got bullied about 9 years ago and my life has been like like that for the last nine years. Admittedly, not quite as bad at some points in the past as now but I understand the isolation you feel. Other people seem to click together so easily and form good friendships but...*laughs* well, my life is pretty empty.

I think recovery is hard, I notice you feel hateful and I've felt that way so often, too. I think...I just guess it's a big thing in the way of healing. I also think it's a result of all the fear and shame. It's important to try and forgive yourself and those who've done you wrong so you can move on. You don't have to fear them or anyone anymore but I'm sure you know that. Also, now you are capable of standing up for yourself :) I feel slightly hypocritical though as I can't say I've completely forgiven certain people either. It's easy to know what to do, much harder to feel and apply it.
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On March 4th, 2006 02:29 am (UTC), poetic_heartz commented:
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I'm 21 and I haven't been bullied for about four years, yet it still affects me. To be perfectly honest I thought I was over it, but now my insecurities and scars are affecting the relationship I have with my boyfriend.

I think the main thing to give yourself is time. You also need to own what you are feeling and not to feel bad about crying - give yourself permission to cry.

:)
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