Hmmm... I have sort of a problem with bullying. See, my little brother is one of the ignorant jock types, always calling me gay or fag or nerd or dork or ugly or pathetic. I really don't know how to respond to it. Wit doesn't work because he's too dull to recognize it, and even though I can totally tear him apart, I can't because he's tiny and weak and my mom would probably kick me out or send me to jail if I did it seriously enough to dissuade him. I do little play fighting and threats but I really do lack the seriousness to convince him, I'd have to be willing to do it for real.
I work off my anger by going on the computer, lifting weights, and doing martial arts and tumbling, but it's really pissing me off. I dream of fixing my acne and losing some fat so I can throw that shit in his face... I am NOT cutting my hair or moving more masculine or stopping bellydancing or anything though, I refuse to change no matter how angry I get and how much conflict I could avoid. Besides, even if I did change, those types would find something else to pick at anyway, so may as well stand for what you believe in :)
On November 30th, 2005 12:40 pm (UTC), (Anonymous) commented:
I agree that changing yourself wouldn't solve anything.
How old is he?
I don't know the details or the history you two have but maybe he's stuck (albeit perhaps willingly) in a habit of treating you like this. I don't think it has to be like this - I would guess he is capable of relating to you more respectfully, even if he is an 'ignorant jock type'. The problem is how to make that happen...
I don't think tearing him apart would actually help much anyway because its giving the message that hurting is a good way to communicate, but you obviously need him to realise that hurting you isnt OK.
One idea might be to try approaching him - preferably when he hasnt just verbally abused you - and, without showing lots of anger but in a calm voice, asking him why he always calls you those things? Tell him that it hurts you, that you can't see the point of it, and what does he hope to achieve by doing that?
Repeat it if he gets all 'smart ass' - try to stay calm and talk in a straightforward way, not a defensive/aggressive way (I cant explain that very well)... And expect him to really react positively, if not at the first attempt but maybe after several - I think telling him that he is hurting you will erode his ability to mindlessly carry on calling you names. He should also, on some level, pick up that you expect a change.
Also, I reckon its good to adopt a general attitude of defending your right not to be treated in unacceptable ways but not 'pre-emptively striking' at people that sometimes do that, when they arent doing that right now. If all your interactions with little bro follow this pattern then theres not much for him to switch to for an alternative. This whole situation sounds intensely annoying for you but maybe approaching him occasionally and making a friendly overture (but getting angry IF he responds disrespectfully) will make him grafually realise that its the bullying behaviour and not him as a person, that you won't tolerate.
Thanks, that's some good advice. I actually have approached him in the past and talked to him, but never seriously. I do it in a whiny sarcastic voice as if I didn't care and I was putting on the facade of someone who did.
It's not like it's tearing me apart but it does contribute to some of the general self-loathing I have and doesn't help. I could just do without it.
Speaking seriously is hard... any tips? I don't want to be viewed as weak or anything.
On January 8th, 2006 01:08 am (UTC), (Anonymous) commented:
your brother is a psychopath/sociopath
these people never change, they enjoy tormenting others and have a total lack of empathy. he will get worse with age and ruin many peoples lifes (also conduct disorder in children is a warning sign) he appears quite charming and seductive, a calculated ploy to decieve and manipulate the best response is to ignore him and never let him see your hurt or anger as this is what feeds his sickness he is like a vampire sucking the lifeblood (emotions) of his victims and making them feel drained and exhausted.
psychopaths are very sick "people" and if you dont get away from him he will ruin your self esteem and even your life. i know from experience you can not win with this personality type, they are masters
of deception. thier are many of these types in the christian fundamentalist crowd and thier hatred of homosexuals is quite often a form of projection to hide the true nature. but of course they call it "love the sinner, hate the sin" a slogan as empty and shallow as the smirk on thier faces when they tell you they love you and jesus loves you too!!!!!!!!! set plans for the future and stay as far from him as possible. beleive me he has no feelings for you or anyone.
he does not have the capacity to love or be loved. i know this sounds harsh but he will crush your spirit and ruin your dreams and not give a damn though he may pretend to care while laughing to himself. i wasted 7 years looking for answers, blaming myself. then one night surfing the internet i typed in the word psychopath and all was clear.
did i feel better, not really; i still am deeply hurt and broken by the humiliating remarks, the lies that almost cost my job, the addictions and the bitterness and realizing that it is perfectly exceptable to harass gays in most of america and not having any recourse. laws are meaningless if not enforced and know one will stand in your favor.
Children are young, there is hope for them. As I find my dreams, I do find such things don't bother me as much, perhaps my guard lowers when I am testing the limits of fortitude and suffering in lack of sleep and dream. We get along a good amount of time, so while I do hope to cull that ignorance from him, perhaps there is compromise to be found until I free myself to my path in life. Then, if he wants to continue any positive feelings, he may walk to me and cater to my desire for intellect.